How I am feeling: slightly anxious for such a beautiful morning. I feel like I am not ready for effective communication because I cannot communicate even with my real self at the moment. It was not good feeling, but I am in a new environment and it takes time to adapt.
I shared the above because it was how I was feeling the moment I had a conversation with Kasper this morning that was a learning experience.
It means that by telling the truth about how you feel, we make communication truly effective. How does that work? As we watch for how our body and emotions respond to a person’s communication pattern, we learn to tell the difference between reacting to a negative feeling or creating understanding by cooperating with the communicator in front of you.
If we don’t think before we speak, what have we got? We got thoughtless words without any substance.
So, this morning, Kasper and I started to talk about features in CS that are still on the works. We both understand the logic behind it. However, we get overly excited talking. He shouts that the results of the idea currently is all bullshit and I react to it. I get my feelings hurt and I did nto become aware of it. Thus, I did not respond correctly to his his cries. I REACTED by defending the idea politely, but not sharing the fact that there is no freedom in the air. I did not feel comfortable at all. I felt like we were just shouting.
We were all about opinions and not about ideals. We were all about each other and not about ourselves as a group.
The ideal of transparency starts in dialogue. Do you want transparency? BE TRANSPARENT by sharing your thoughts, feelings and emotions. In order to do that, we must be patient with ourselves because our mind tends to want immediate results from people that haven’t learned how to communicate effectively in the first place. The result is always chaotic group misunderstanding.
To be transparent is to notice when a person communicates ineffectively right in front of you, then read your feelings and voice them. From then on, it is like having an agreement with that person that they will understand me better and take personal responsibility in communicating effectively with me, respecting opinions and thus creating ideals. It is what mutual respect does to people.
How to ‘break the ice’ of cold communication? Cold communication is when both parties are not not aware of their feelings, or even the definition of feelings itself. Feelings are the physical responses to mental stimulus. It is when yourself or someone says something and the mind responds usually in subtle ways and we usually completely ignore those feelings. We feel a pain in the chest or a weird uncomfortable feeling that we did not understand what just happened.
We then got a puzzle in our mind and a pain we don’t want to suffer and that feels surprisingly normal. We then want to reject this pain and then we react to our minds or against others with anger. We never communicate this way, and instead we procrastinate the inevitable.
We perpetuate the pain and never reach mutual respect. We may work for years with people,volunteering for the same organization and not be aware of how we are not respecting each other’s ideals. I heard once from a friend that we must let the pain go through to learn about ourselves. She was not talking about taking a bullet and enjoying that pain. She was talking about fighting the very basic instinct of defending our false sense of self when confronted with a bad communicator.
So, letting everyone know the truth is a great start. True feelings, that lead to true thoughts and not reactional blah-blah.
Have you asked lately why a person was communicating in a negative way? Have you really voiced your opinion by trying to help out someone, or you just reacted to a negative feeling with another negative feeling?
Let’s illustrate a few examples. They happen this morning, Nov 15th, at the Collective NZ.
The following examples are not to be taken literally. They just illustrate an example that happened this morning. It shows how we can improve by sharing our feelings with everyone!
Ineffective Communication example:
Person A) So hey listen, how can show me how feature X on CS works? ( failed to acknowledge how was the person feeling)
Person B) It works by doing such and such. (here, the person failed to ask the person why he/she was asking such a question, and to ask her/himself how it felt to get such a blunt direct question.
Person A) But that is bullshit. I can’t believe in it. It is so unfair and so on…. (person failed to see that absolutely no feelings were shared. It was a cold hearted question that led to nothing)
Person B) No, that feature is good really. But anyhow, why don’t you create an alternative instead? (person fails to see that the negative response triggered a highly defensive response)
So, see that nothing positive is reached. No feelings were shared, therefore no complete and effective communication was achieved. Faith on each other, did not happened. Faith=trust. Basically they did not trust each other, developing just a hole lot of blah-blah-blah.
Effective communication can be achieved by being aware of a person’s feelings. We can all avoid it most of the time and educate each other on this stuff.
So, here is how the conversation could have gone if we had acknowledged the emotions happening:
Person A) Hey, would you like to talk about something?
Person B) sure
Person A) Ok, how does feature X works?
Person B) It works by doing such and such.
Person A) That is Bullshit man. No way!
Person B) Well, that hurt my feelings. I don’t understand why really, but your response made me feel this way. Now I cannot respond effectively. I feel kind of angry now.
Person A) Why is that. Please elaborate.
Person B) Well, I am still angry, and I was expecting an apology, but hey, this is great anyways. So, yeah, I was not feeling too good to begin with. It was somewhat an attack on my ego. Your ego attacked my ego by not asking the right questions and my using bad language! so, I reacted instead of of responding.
Person A) Well, I understand better now. Your response was crude and did not explain well enough so I did not understand the whole idea in the first place. But I understand that it was my fault in the first place because I did not ask the right questions. I could have asked: How does that feature work and why such a decision was implemented? Why such decision was made?
Person B) You are right. So, to respond to your question effectively I will give you my best in telling you an unbiased opinion about the decision making behind feature X. We…it started by….this…and that….and so on.
Person A) Well, that is better! It makes sense, but based on current circumstances, we can make it better. I suggest we start a project to improve it!
So, is effective communication is in true friendship? By sharing how you truly feel with yourself others react the same way, as we also take personal responsibility for our questions and to teach others how to communicate with themselves. We may act of our anger, but explain that you feel that way and that can can just good enough. If there is something that you did not and created a reaction, you will know right aways. It feels great to share this you you all actually!
When communicating effective, the other party does not react and instead asks to self: Have I caused this reaction?
Asking ourselves how we truly feel is powerful. We take personal responsibility for getting the true opinions of people and the result is: instead of forming your personal opinion, you develop an ideal, a goal to strive for.
It starts with us sharing our feelings and emotions to begin with. It then progresses with always checking within ourselves if it is really true what we are saying or we are just putting on a mask to look cool or smart in the conversation. We will know if we feel judged, and if so it is because we are lying to ourselves. Can you really judge the truth? Lack of self awareness and knowledge do not create conversations, but instead we then perpetuate the very nature of immorality. It creates lies.
The world is getting better. PASS IT ON.
Cheers!
ps: You can edit this very document on the wiki. Let’s create ways to communicate effectively. You can share it as much as you want. If you want to change it but don’t know how to, ask someone using the wiki talk feature. There is a document on the wiki that is a guide for effective communication for all of us, help us develop communication from the roots.
http://wiki.couchsurfing.com/en/Guide_to_Effective_Communication_for_Couchsurfing_Volunteers